written by Akela Talamasca

TV/Comics Breakdown: what is it? It’s a live Twitter series that appears every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. It’s like Mystery Science Theater 3000, but for classic comic books and TV shows. Peruse the archives here, and if you like what we’re doing, please donate!

In this episode, we examine and celebrate the wonderful gay subtext of He-Man and the Masters Of the Universe Episode 1×01: “The Cosmic Comet”! IT’S SO GOOD, YOU GUYS

EDITOR’S NOTE: 74 pictures under the cut. Be warned if you have a slow internet connection.


omigosh omigosh omigosh so excited

And check it out, y’all: there’s a reason this logo is a rainbow.

Of course! What other kind of music would accompany the name “He-Man”?

SING IT

Also, does anyone use the term “he-man” anymore?

-For those who don’t know it, He-Man was a cartoon that debuted in 1983. Your typical power fantasy adventure with a twist: it was gay.

-And by that I mean it seems super obvious in retrospect how gay it was, but at the time I had no idea!

-This will become evident with each screenshot. It’s amazing, y’all! Enjoy!

Here’s our hero, Prince Adam, in his tight-fitting pink and white outfit. SO TIGHT AND SO BUFF MM-HMM

Typical of the time, here’s his goofy sidekick/comic relief.

MM-HMM SO FABULOUS

-DAMMIT, you guys, this show is the best. And to be clear: I LOVE HOW GAY THESE DESIGNS ARE. At the time, so under the radar of most kids.

“By the power of Grayskull…I HAVE A SPARKLERRRRRRR”

If you don’t think this is gay and amazing and life-affirming, then stop reading this right now.

As if being a green tiger wasn’t rad enough, Cringer becomes…BATTLE CAT!

So many clues…dude is so oiled up he’s SHINY.

-I lump this in with Freddie Mercury and Rob Halford as “Holy shit, of COURSE they were gay! Why didn’t we SEE IT?”

He-Man was so gay, not even the Sorceress with this incredible outfit could upstage him.

LOOK AT THE FREDDIE MERCURY MUSTACHE

…and…Orko.

…

Yeah.

The villain is a MUSCLEBOUND, SKULL-HEADED DUDE. The hell’s THAT about?

Fortunately, the show was full of shots like this for you to replicate with your own toys.

SO MUCH SHADE.

Really don’t think this sound effect needed a caption, but hey, I’m not a corporate brand manager, so what do I know?

OK. TELL ME that cat’s helmet isn’t some kind of overgrown codpiece. You can’t. Because it is.

“I prefer the term ‘follically-visaged individual, THANK YOU.”

“You complete me.”

Defeating the bad guy by covering him in a sticky mess. TELL ME THIS ISN’T GAY AND I WILL CALL YOU THE WORLD’S WORST LIAR.

I trust this needs no explanation.

I just can’t

Yeah? Can he explain why your hat is glaring at me? Do I offend?

Oh, totally.

You can sing this any way you like, as long as you do it with a chorus of able-bodied men.

The King and Queen of Fabulosity demand your obedience.

Okay, just so we’re clear: he actually says “The Captain Of the Guards” here. Nice work, captioner.

Warrior woman is a redhead, good, good.

This needs to be a t-shirt.

Kinda says it all, really.

AIN’T NOTHIN’ GONNA BREAK-A MY STRIDE/AIN’T NO-ONE GONNA HOLD ME DOWN/WHOA NO/I GOT TO KEEP ON MOVIN’

Aw, so heartfelt. C’mon, guys, just let him do what he wants. He’s a creator!

It’s when you speak with sudden involuntary pauses and a tendency to repeat the initial letters of words. But that’s not important right now.

Attack Track: great toy, stupid actual means to get around.

Not gay at all.

“It’s terrible… you NEVER pair pink with lavender! What have I been TEACHING you kids?”

The best stories begin like this.

“Why — why are you looking at ME, Adam?”

“Oh, no reason.”

We pause for a word from our sponsor: Viagra.

Zagraz explains how sperm works.

Seriously, that outfit. Come ON.

It’s the sound of Teela’s ovaries igniting at his merest TOUCH.

…

She doesn’t know he’s gay. It’s really kind of tragic.

See, glowing things don’t warble, in my mind. They thrum. But do I get to make the call? NO.

Oh, hey, a huge, strong dude with no means of communication. PERFECT DATE.

Yup. Instantly smitten.

‘Cause this is Thriller!/Thriller night!/And no one’s gonna save you from the beast about to strike

“I…what am I DOING with my life? I studied to be a DOCTOR!”

“Try what, estrogen? EW NO”

YEAH MAN WHIP OUT YOUR BIG GUN AWWWWW YEAH

Orko is right to be afraid.

Thank the gods He-Man doesn’t skip Leg Day.

Real forceful. Admit it: you just wanted to feel him up.

“Don’t! Stop! Don’t! Stop! DON’T STOP!”

Hell yeah it’s triumphant. His bangs are PERFECT.

Dude, you just gotta wait out the refractory period.

“I got all these Chick Tracts to read him!”

“By the time I’m finished saying this, it — well, now it’s past, you missed it. So glad you guys gave me a voice.”

The birth of a fetish.

Let’s ALL hold hands and just BELIEVE!

O-FACE

Skeletor’s gender bias comes out.

It’s true. This is why your porn tapes are so popular.

“I mean, technically, I could put my lips on you. But I’m not going to, because that would cause me to vomit.”

“And then the magic will work?”

“I… yyyes.”

Then you’re doing it right.

They forgot to capitalize “Furry”.

And just when it couldn’t get MORE gay…

C’MON THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A KID’S SHOW

“Raincoats on, everyone!”

Yeah man, that post-coital nap does wonders.

Dude, you don’t need to tell ME.

I DO NOT want to know what he’s believing in this shot.

-And there you have it, TV Breakdown! Join me back here in two weeks for the next one!

He-Man and the Masters Of the Universe (1983) is currently viewable on Netflix. Akela can be found on Twitter at @Akelaa.

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