written by K.C. White

SPOILER WARNINGS ARE IN EFFECT

After a long hiatus, several illnesses, and much ado, Luke Cage and I are back again to sprinkle some black magic on your lives!

We’re back at Harlem’s Paradise with Luke and (still employed for some reason) Detective Misty Knight, who’s found herself on the wrong end of some target practice. The wound is bad, so Luke has to take even more bullets for the team and get her to the basement. Ah yes, the basement…where everyone loves to hide, and there is never any danger. Just ask the cast of any horror movie ever!

Daddy Issues With Legs takes everyone hostage – including Claire – and holds them for ransom, demands, and parting gifts. He and Diet Obama (jejejejeje) go upstairs, where DIWL insists on continuing with the whole “Yes, I’m Luke Cage. I am definitely Luke Cage. I am in no way an impostor wreaking havoc in order to frame an enemy. Nope, not at all” thing.

Back in the basement, we find out one of those bullets nicked Misty’s artery and she’s bleeding out fast. Rather than take the time to focus on things like life regrets, or not going into the light, Misty decides to ask Luke more goddamn questions. Because of course she does. Don’t you know her at all!?

We learn more about Willis Stryker, a.k.a. Diamondback, a.k.a…well, you know. This dude never met a monologue or rocket launcher he didn’t like. I mean, seriously, who the hell is his supplier? Oh hell, it doesn’t matter, because at the end of the day this is all Misty’s fault, and that’s really what’s important.

We cut to outside the D.A.’s office, where the police are minutes away from a dance-off. Misty manages to get a call through to Inspector Ridley, but the call is cut off because basement. For some reason, it never occurs to Misty to try and send a text message, voice note, smoke signal, carrier pigeon, or anything else as an alternative means of communication. Oh. My. God.

DIWL wants to have a “long talk” with Diet Obama. Careful boys, that’s how babies are made. This brings me to another point: villains never shut the fuck up. Especially this one. DIWL gives another monologue, this time to the tune of Dusty Springfield, and we see that Luke’s real crime here is that he…was…born. I mean, that’s really it. DIWL whines and moans more about Daddy not loving him enough and how it’s Luke’s fault. Of course it is.

Claire uses Candace (pobrecita)’s injury as an excuse to get down to the basement, where she takes over from Luke and helps stabilize Misty. These actions show that Claire is a much better person than I’ll ever be, because I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be rushing to save the bitch who choked me the last time we met. They share a moment, and it’s just as lackluster as it sounds. At one point Misty (finally) regrets everything she’s done up to this point, and Claire tells her “You’re good at your job.”

*sigh* You sure about that, Claire? I mean a few minutes later, Misty actually tells Luke “You gotta be smart about this. There are too many innocent people up there who could end up dead.” Gee, Misty, where was your sage advice when you pulled a gun on DIWL and tried to arrest him, without backup, in a crowded-ass nightclub full of dudes with guns!? Seriously, you can’t tell Luke not to fight when you singlehandedly created the very situation which forced him to do so.

Back to DIWL, who is still agonizing over his “problems” and giving more exposition. I mean hell, why not since we’re all here? He goes into the details of his mom’s death, which has nothing to do with Luke, but it’s his fault anyway. Why not? Then we get the Cain and Abel reference, which is such an obvious parallel even Ray Charles could have seen it. We also caught that a couple of episodes back, but DIWL wants to spell it out for you, just so it’s perfectly clear. Eventually he decides to keep it moving (thank God) and gives Diet Obama a shoryuken to the chest. Out the window he goes…ta-ta, Diet Obama. We’ll call you.

Shades‘ fine ass realizes that no one can take the bait better than his own henchmen, and leaves them behind to discover the Squeaky Chamber Of Secrets (formerly known as the basement), along with Misty and Claire as a bonus. Shades makes stating the obvious sexy as hell, but it’s never cool to attack women, so…sorry Shades, you deserved that ass-kicking.

DIWL and Luke face off, while Candace gets to have the Vicky Vale moment she never wanted. Luke offers a truce, and oh my GOD DIWL we know you’re still bitter! We get it! So the police finally enter and do their jobs, Zip makes himself useful (for once), and Shades gets led out in cuffs just in time to watch Claire stomp on his…well, shades. I mean it’s symbolism, what do you want from me? Misty tells Inspector Ridley that Luke is innocent and gets the brush-off for her trouble. Claire manages to get away without anyone noticing her except Luke, who is standing alone in handcuffs. For now.

*Shout-Out Section*

• Shout-out to Shades for dropping the line “What you talkin’ ’bout, Willis?” A blackety black black classic that any Diff’rent Strokes fan caught instantly.
• Shout-out to any time someone says “My bad” on-screen. As I explained to my Spanish friends: “‘My bad’ is ‘perdón’…en Inglés.” ;-)
• Shout-out to the Bible quote/New Jack City reference “Am I my brother’s keeper?” I kept waiting for Diet Obama to keep it real by replying “yes, I am” but he was too busy getting punched in the chest. Welp.
• Shout out to “Bye Felicia”, which is almost always the perfect closing line, especially when you’re about to drop someone off a balcony. It’s one of the few times DIWL actually got me to chuckle.

Luke Cage is available now on Netflix. K.C. can be reached on Twitter @evil_kinegro.

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