written by Kate Danvers

SPOILER WARNINGS ARE IN EFFECT

Y’all…I don’t even know anymore.

Neron/Ray takes Constantine to Donner Pass during the Ice Age – buckle up, that’s not even the weirdest sentence I’m going to type. He needs Constantine to open a portal to Hell so he can bring Tabitha through without needing a host for her. He tricks Constantine into using his magic by putting Ray’s body in jeopardy.

Nora is starting her first day at the Time Bureau with an awful photo for her ID and a mountain of paperwork to fill out. But when Ava tells her she’s proud of her, it puts a smile on her face. Awwww. Redemption arcs can be so nice when they’re done well. Gary meets Ava in her office for an ominous talk. Afterwards, Ava announces that Gary will be doing performance reviews. Mona questions this, but Ava assures her that “Gary Green is all the man we need.”

Yeah, Ava’s under mind control. Serious mind control.

Nate and Zari are having a baby! Well, no, Nate is just taking care of the dragon egg with Zari. Wait, they want this thing to hatch? Do you want dragons? Because that’s how you get dragons. Gideon picks up Constantine’s magic signature on the magicometer and the Legends are off to the Ice Age to rescue their warlock from a demon possessing a superhero/tech company CEO. That wasn’t the weirdest sentence, either.

After some deliberation about whether Ray is still in there or lost to them forever, Mick orders Gideon to open fire just as Neron and Constantine teleport away. The Waverider is caught in an avalanche and buried under hundreds of feet of snow and ice.

Neron takes Constantine to a Celtic village in 55 B.C. where he shows him King Konstentyn, John’s ancestor. Konstentyn looks like Matt Ryan cosplaying Geralt from The Witcher. Konstentyn and his people have captured some sort of creature and Neron alludes to them being there so Constantine can learn.

Trapped in snow and running on low power to conserve energy and oxygen, the Legends are all wearing Leonard’s old parkas. That makes me a little sad. Sara and Mick try to hack their way through the ice, but end up bickering over who’s to blame instead. When Neron took over Ray, Sara was with Ava, and Mick and Charlie were at the book convention. There’s blame to share.

Konstentyn takes his people and the caged creature to Stonehenge. Neron explains to Constantine that Konstentyn is the one who first created the rift between humans and magical creatures. His motivation? To create fear, which is a powerful source of energy for magic. The more Konstentyn stirs up fear of the magical creatures, the more powerful his own magic becomes. Constantine doubts this until the caged creature his ancestor intends to banish to Hell is revealed: It’s a frightened púca, not an evil creature at all.

Constantine confronts his ancestor as a “distant cousin” and tries to reason with him. The púca only seems angry because it’s reflecting Konstentyn’s anger and fear. Constantine tells Konstentyn about Neron and before you can say–oh, never mind; Constantine’s already been conked on the head and put in chains to be sent to Hell along with the púca.

Nora and Mona figure out something is up at the Time Bureau when every other agent starts repeating “The greater good.” …no, wait, it’s the “Gary Green” thing. Nora and Mona play along while they hatch a plan. Mona wants to lure Gary to the holding cells to lock him in, but she’s the one who gets locked up…by Nora, who’s already under Gary’s control. Mona fears she’s all alone, but her alter ego “Wolfie” lets her know she’s with her.

“Mick” apologizes to Sara, which sounds so absurd I can’t believe she fell for Charlie’s ruse. When the real Mick blows Charlie’s cover, she talks some sense into both of them. Ray isn’t there to be the moral compass, so Charlie steps up. I like that. Mick and Sara do actually make amends as they search Ray’s quarters for some way out of their current predicament. They reminisce about when Rip first gathered the Legends, and Mick observes that with Ray gone, he and Sara are the last of the original Legends. They find an oddly specific survival guide. The only thing they haven’t tried is “enjoying the time they have left”.

Neron stokes Constantine’s fears of Hell by mentioning those he sent there, who will be waiting for him. Constantine asks about Tabitha and Neron drops a hint that not only does Constantine know her, but he was the one who sent her to Hell in the first place.

Oh. Oh no.

Neron tries to talk Constantine into stabilizing a portal to Hell, not only to save himself, but also the innocent púca. When Neron leaves, Constantine talks to his fellow captive. The púca isn’t great with conversation, so John mostly just monologues. He isn’t personally afraid of Hell, but he’s scared that he’ll have to watch Ray and Astra be tortured for all eternity. The púca then heals his injured forehead, sensing good in him instead of the rottenness he believes is all he is.

Sara orders Gideon to fire up the ship and crank everything to full power. She reasons that Ray wouldn’t want them to be cold and miserable; he would want them to have hope. So they turn on the heat, turn on some music, and play Ray’s teambuilding card game “Cards To Save the Timeline”. Not only does the plan improve morale, but it raises the Waverider’s heat enough to melt some of the snow and ice, breaking the ship free.

Mona is dragged to her performance review where Gary reveals how he’s mind-controlling everyone. He tells her to “gaze into the nipple”.

Let’s share in this nightmare. Mona looks away and calls on Wolfie to transform. Frightened and not expecting this (I guess Gary didn’t know Mona was a werewolf?), Gary calls for help from Ava and Nora, who get some sense knocked into them by Wolfie.

Konstentyn opens a portal to send the “face-stealer” and the púca to Hell. Constantine stabilizes the portal, frees the púca, cuts off his ancestor’s hand, then gets into a sword fight with Neron. Before he can strike a killing blow, the Waverider appears overhead and the Legends ask him to spare Ray. Left with no other options, Constantine promises to save Ray, then jumps into the portal to Hell. Neron does a little magic of his own and unleashes his love, Tabitha…THE FAIRY GODMOTHER.

Yup.

Ava and Nora are brought up to speed. Ava deduces that when Neron gave Gary his evil nipple back, it corrupted him. She coins the word “nipnotize” and Wolfie bites Gary’s nipple off. That’s it; that’s the weirdest sentence. Goddamn, I love this ridiculous show and all of its bullshit.

Neron and Tabitha arrive at the Bureau to save Gary and make him the new host/conduit for Tabitha’s magic. Wolfie is reverted back to Mona by Tabitha, then Neron, Tabitha, and Gary kidnap Mona, I guess? One second she’s there and the next she isn’t, and Nora says something about not leaving her behind. It’s a very weird edit that doesn’t make clear what happened. Anyway, Nora stays behind to pursue the baddies and Ava goes to the Waverider.

Meanwhile, Constantine falls into a dumpster in what looks like just a bad part of town? It’s Hell though, because the skies are red and a big ominous tower looms in the background.

That happened. Just…just all of that. All of it. That was a thing that happened which was put on network television. You know, I don’t feel bad about my “Welcome to nipHell” pun at the beginning of the season. Little did I know what was to come. For crying out loud, this one was called “Nip/Stuck”. There is no shame anymore, only lunacy.

Nate and Zari taking care of the dragon egg like it was a baby was cute and it reminded me of junior high when we had to care for a hard-boiled egg for a week to teach us parenting skills or some shit. If you’ve never had this experience, congratulations; you didn’t grow up in a heteronormative school system.

I also liked Mick and Sara’s talk. I’d actually forgotten that Sara, Mick, and Ray were the only ones left of the original Legends. That scene and the one with the team sitting around playing Ray’s card game were so good. I like when the team acts like a family. It’s pretty telling what kind of impact Ray has on the team when everyone thinks he’s lost to them. First they go at each other’s throats, but then resolve not to give up because Ray wouldn’t either.

What more is there to say? The show is bananas. Brandon Routh and Adam Tsekhman play villainous versions of their characters so well. They’re menacing, charismatic, and so entertaining to watch. Also, after I got over the shock of the fairy godmother being Tabitha, I was so happy. Jane Carr was one of the highlight villains of this season. A twisted fairy godmother who’s tired of granting wishes to spoiled brats is such a great concept.

Next time: Neron/Ray creates a phone app of pure evil that steals souls, then gets sued by Twitter for copyright infringement.

Legends Of Tomorrow airs Mondays on the CW at 9 ET/8 CT. Kate can be reached on Twitter @WearyKatie.