written by Kate Danvers

SPOILER WARNINGS ARE IN EFFECT

It’s time for the season finale! Look, I’m just going to recap this thing for you all mostly so I can get someone else to confirm that this episode wasn’t just some fever dream I had.

Picking up from last episode, Mallus is now free and in his true form. The Legends attack as best they can using the power of their totems, but Mallus proves to be too strong for them, so Sara calls a retreat. On the Waverider, Rip removes the time drive despite Gideon’s warning that there’s almost no chance he’ll survive what he’s about to do. They say goodbye with Gideon addressing him as “Rip” rather than Captain, Director, or Mister Hunter. Still waiting on that Gideon episode. Wally holds Mallus off until the others are on the ship. Sara calls Rip as he makes his way to the field where Mallus is with the time drive going critical and asks what the hell he’s thinking sacrificing himself. He can’t stop Mallus, but he can buy them time.

RIP: “It’s all right, Sara. I should very much like to see my wife and son again.”

Zari and Wally install the time drive from the jump ship into the Waverider just in time for the Legends to escape as a temporal explosion consumes Mallus and Rip. This is rough. Rip hasn’t exactly been the best person this season, but in his final moments we see the old Season One Rip again. He’s a troubled man with a good heart who’s endured a lot of trials and heartache. He always had to hang in there for one more mission for the good of the people he cared about, and finally he’s taking a well-earned rest.

…or the explosion just caused him to be lost in time and he’ll show up in a later season. Still, that doesn’t take away from the scene.

The Legends mourn, blame themselves for freeing Mallus and being unable to defeat him, and plan their next move. Sara gets the idea to take the totems to the old west (love the guitar twang when she says “old west”) since it’s a temporal blindspot. On the way, Sara visits Damien in his little magic binding circle cell, refusing to mercy kill him as he doesn’t deserve mercy. Ray walks in for no other reason than it’s his lab. Nope, just because it’s a lab, no other reason. Sara tells him twice not to do anything stupid. She can see this coming but she still doesn’t stop it.

I love these old west episodes. Wally and Zari are enjoying themselves too. They head to a saloon to drink and figure out a plan. Sheriff Jonah Hex greets them because it’s not an old west episode without Jonah Hex. He tells Sara to stay out of trouble and, as if on cue, an army of Romans, pirates, and Vikings shows up.

That isn’t even the weirdest thing about this episode.

The army – led by Julius Caesar, Freydis Eriksdottir, and Edward “Blackbeard” Teach – is there for the totems. The three are possessed by Mallus, who’s found the Legends already. After bickering about whether it’s pronounced “Mallus”, “Malice”, or “Phallus”, the Legends are given till high noon the following day to hand over the totems or the army will destroy the town.

Ray puts the time drive back in the jump ship, punches Nate to keep him from stopping him, and goes back to 1992 Zambesi with Damien Darhk. Oh, revisiting a time period you’ve already been in? That worked out so well the last time.

Amaya goes on a vision quest to talk to the original totem bearers so she can find out how to use the totems to stop Mallus. Nate decides to go along because drugs…also he wants to help his girlfriend. They see the original totem bearers standing in a circle and using the combined powers of the totems to create a powerful warrior. Many of us have been making Captain Planet jokes throughout the entire totem storyline and they’re doing it. Holy crap. Nate thinks it’s more like Voltron, though. Amaya believes that the coincidences surrounding the team (Mick running into his dad in Vietnam, Zari’s totem calling to Amaya) aren’t coincidences but a sign that they’re supposed to wield the totems and summon a warrior of light.

Zari starts sending out a beacon to any allies the Legends might have and Jonah visits her and assures her the Legends are good at making friends, so he bets someone will answer. Zari takes the bet and there’s a little spark between the two. All of the lesbian Legends fans are weeping.

They try summoning Captain Planet with Wally taking up the water totem and Sara using the death totem. The first summoning goes…badly. They’re distracted by hearing each other’s thoughts and Mick asking “Are we making a baby?” and as a result they summon a horrifying deformed mass of flesh and bone that Mick quickly burns. As they give up, Ava arrives with the cavalry: Jax, Helen of Themyscira (née of Troy), and…Kuasa?

Ray and Damien “save” Nora. They do this by shooting her with the anti-magic nanite gun that doesn’t get any less silly the more it appears. With his host dying, Mallus jumps into Damien, which is what Damien wanted all along – to sacrifice himself for Nora. Ray and Nora escape in the jump ship.

As the Legends prepare for the army’s arrival, Amaya beams about how this Kuasa is from the new timeline where Zambesi lives on, she shares the totem with her sister Mari, and she never joined Team Mallus. Okay, setting aside the plot holes that creates in this season alone, that also makes the entirety of the Vixen animated series non-canon and calls into question Mari’s appearance on Arrow. Congratulations, Legends, you’ve just out-Barry’d Barry Allen. This isn’t the same Jax we left months ago, either. It’s been five years from his perspective and he’s now married and has a daughter, “Martina.” I like that part. It shows us that Jax eventually gets a happy ending after he left to find himself.

Helen has become a warrior through training on Themyscira and she’s a natural with a six-shooter. That woman is a wonder*. Also, don’t think I don’t notice that this is Legends’ way of kinda-sorta having Wonder Woman without Diana. Sara wants to turn the totems over to the newcomers, but Ava isn’t having it. She thinks the Legends changed the lives of Kuasa, Helen, and so many others for the better that they’re the perfect people to wield the totems. This is a perfect turn from the start of the season when Ava was the Legends’ biggest detractor. She also asks if Sara meant it when she said she loved her, but they’re interrupted first by the arrival of Ray and Nora, then by the Roman/pirate/Viking army.

Sara gives an inspirational speech to the team, then walks out into the street alone with the totems. She warns the army to leave, but they attack. Ava rescues Sara on horseback and leads the army to an ambush by the rest of the team. Zari and Jonah blow some fighters up with dynamite and I get my Wilhelm Scream. I love old west episodes. Mallus appears and raises the army again, so Ava, Kuasa, Ray, Helen, Jonah, Jax, and Nora hold off the army while Sara, Zari, Amaya, Wally, Mick, and Nate get busy summoning Captain Planet.

Wait…this episode is titled what again? No…they’re not…they wouldn’t…

They concentrate on a “powerful light of pure goodness”. Zari takes a peek and exclaims “oh god…” Amaya recognizes it, too. Nate apologizes because it popped into his head when Sara said “pure goodness” and it becomes a “don’t think about pink elephants” thing where the others can’t stop thinking about it either. The pure warrior of light and goodness has arrived! BEHOLD YOUR SAVIOR!!

Everyone is shocked and confused. Jonah is really confused. Jax says, “Man, have I missed you guys.” See? Jax gets it.

So…I’m bad at describing fight scenes, so I won’t detail this one. Let’s just say I never knew I needed to see a demon suplex a giant furry stuffed toy, but here we are.

This fight is silly. Beebo is making squeaky noises and saying things like “I la-la-love you” and “Beebo can’t breathe!” for the entire battle in the same cutesy voice the toy had and it just makes this all the more surreal. Also, this isn’t just a construct – the six Legends are actually fused together in a giant Beebo gestalt. Mallus gets some good hits in, but Beebo shows off his sweet martial arts moves. The battle ends with the two jumping into the air and Mallus looking on in horror as Beebo soars towards him with arms spread wide.

BEEBO: “Beebo want cuddles!”

Beebo then body slams Mallus into the ground in a heart-shaped blue explosion of fur and stuffing. Mallus is gone, Beebo is gone, and the six totem-bearing Legends are left in the crater to celebrate.

ZARI: “We did it! The totems united to create a single furry love child.”
MICK: “Worst orgy ever.”

So that happened.

Ray tells Nora that Damien died a good man. Ray, you don’t have to lie to her; she knows her dad was an asshole. He slips her Damien’s time travel stone before she’s taken into custody by the Time Bureau because he’s a big softy and wants to make sure she gets that second chance her father died to give her. The Legends hand the totems over to Kuasa for safekeeping, the minds of the army and the townsfolk are all wiped, the three generals are taken by the Time Bureau, and Jonah Hex gives Zari his hat as a keepsake.

Amaya decides to finally return to 1942 to live out the rest of her life and put history back on track. Nate takes her back himself and they have a sad goodbye. Amaya refuses the memory wipe because her memories of Nate are “the only part of you I’m allowed to keep.” Agh, as much as I hate to see Amaya go this is a really good scene.

The remaining Legends celebrate with a trip to Aruba in 2018. They’re interrupted by Constantine…actually Agent Gary dressed as Constantine. Zari remarks that his wig is “very presidential.” (Ooh, sick burn.) But Gary has been hanging out with the real Constantine, who walks up and drops a severed dragon head on the beach. When the Legends freed Mallus, they also freed other things.

And that concludes Season Three. This episode quickly became one of my favorites. It had familiar faces from earlier in the season (both good and bad), the return of Jax, an Amazon, Jonah Hex, Kuasa fighting for the good guys, and…freaking Beebo. I won’t lie; a lot of my enjoyment of this episode comes from that final battle. It was goofy, dumb, and camp as hell but as I’ve said before, this show is at its best when it leans into the zany. Last week when I made that joke image parody of Ghostbusters to end my review, I never thought they would actually do something like that. I realized from the episode title and the whole “warrior of goodness” thing that they were going to do it ten minutes before they did and was absolutely delighted by the madness happening on my screen. The episode made me laugh and cry and kept me thoroughly entertained throughout. I couldn’t ask for more from a finale.

Next time: a Season Three wrap-up to examine plot threads and character arcs and then I’m on vacation from weekly reviews for a while.

Legends Of Tomorrow airs (temporarily) Mondays on the CW at 8 ET/7 CT. Kate can be reached on Twitter @WearyKatie.